The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

No, not the movie. I'm talking about how everything went down with Sally. This was particularly horrible. I never want to have to go through this again.

In a certain sense, this was a foregone conclusion. There was never really any hope of a long-term outcome with her and I am going to miss her dearly. At the same time, I think I am going to sleep more soundly. At least, I hope I will.

So, everything was going well at the start of the week, until I made what I considered to be a playful remark over IM about a picture that she used on a web page that she shared with me. Well, it turns out that she took that comment completely out of context and got all sorts of upset about it. She basically disconnected from me.

Yesterday, she contacted me via IM and said that she didn't know what to say about the whole episode, so I asked her to have a phone conversation. She agreed and we talked. I apologized and asked her point blank whether she would forgive me for it. She said "of course she would", but I certainly didn't take it as an of course and told her as much. So I asked her point blank "where do we go from here?" and the answer was I don't know.

I've been down this road with her before and I had a sense that I knew what I don't know really meant. She was very clear that in one shot, I had undone all of the good things that I'd ever said or done. She said that she knew that what I wanted to hear was that everything was OK again and would go "back to normal" and that she didn't know that she could do that. That's not my interpretation of things, this is exactly what she told me. Then she abruptly ended the call.

So, from where I sat, I was already hanging on by the tips of my fingers and about to lose the single most important person in my life. When she ended the call, I was convinced that it was done and over. She had told me in great detail about how what I said had affected and hurt her. Needless to say, this sent me over the edge. I knew that this was the end, she just wasn't going to come out and say it. I was just sitting alone in my home starting to die inside from the loss I was feeling.

So I started to write a note telling her that I was going to go away. I saved it in my drafts folder -- I didn't send it then. I waited. And then I started to come apart. I just started shutting down. I cried last night in bed and thought about losing her. We didn't talk last night and she apparently didn't miss it, because she didn't say anything. Nor did she try to contact me this morning. So, this morning, I decided to send the note.

This resulted in two calls, a series of e-mail and text message exchanges between us. The bottom line was that she went from where she was to telling me that I broke her heart and that the door to her is now closed. My final words to her were "I shall leave you to your affairs then. Sorry for troubling you."

It was a particularly ugly ending to a very rocky relationship. I am very, very sad about it. I feel like a fool and a complete heel for how I handled it. Yes, I way overreacted. I jumped to conclusions that I shouldn't have made. At the same time, there is lots of culpability to go around.

She told me in our last text exchange "I was thinking the other night how much I wanted to see you, even if just for a few hours, to be with someone who loved me". I shot a comment right back at her -- why didn't you TELL ME THAT!?!? Apparently, it didn't seem like a good idea to let me know that's how she felt. That's unfortunate, because I am here sitting at home paralyzed in thinking that she is just about to toss me out on my ear. It would have made a world of difference to know that.

The fact is that what she says or doesn't say has real and profound effects on me. I told her that too. I am not used to dealing with all this emotional stuff and it literally drove me over the edge. I broke down and then acted rashly. No, she never told me expressly to go away, but she never tried to help reassure me that things would eventually be OK. No, not one bit.

People in a relationship need to be able to communicate with each other openly and honestly. That wasn't our strong suit. There was always a fundamental difference in our beliefs about communication and relationship. Ultimately, I can see these as the ticking time bombs that they ended up being.

One of the things I will take away from this is to ensure that this foundation gets put in place early. Because, if it's not, only pain will follow. I have no desire to ever experience this kind of pain again. I chose this and I am getting to experience the consequences of my choices.

May my future hold my making better choices.