I think that this really got to the issue that I pointed out in the last post and highlights what I was trying to get across, but didn't get done.
So be it...
Update
I found out by looking at her social media posting that she says she now "feels as horrible as she could possibly feel".
Guess what? She missed the point entirely.
Just goes to show exactly how far apart I think we actually were.
There’s a few final thoughts that I’d like to leave you with on the events of the past few days.
I hope that you will read them.
After all, what’s done is done… and when you say a door has been closed, you mean it.
I don’t question your sincerity or seriousness.
It may not change anything, but it may make some sense of this mess. That’s my hope, anyway.
You mentioned in your last text messages to me that:
“You know what is funny. Tuesday night I was driving home from XXXX and I was wishing I could see you even for a few hours. Just because I wanted quiet time and to feel loved.”
I don’t think that’s funny at all. In fact, I find it ironic and sad.
Why? Because at that very time, I am here in my house all alone convinced that I’ve damaged beyond repair the only relationship in my life that I really give a shit about and I know nothing about this!! I was on pins and needles the entire day, night and into that next morning when I finally heard from you.
That next day, I apologize and ask you point blank whether you would forgive me. You say, "of course, I do.” Given my frame of mind, I didn’t think there was any “of course” about it. I knew that the comment hurt you and I wanted to do whatever it took to make things right. I even told you that.
When I asked you the question "where do we go from here?" and you answer with an “I don't know”. How do you think I am feeling about myself and my relationship with you? Especially when you tell me that in one shot, I had undone all of the good things that I'd ever said or done. Add to that you knowing (and telling me such) that I wanted to hear that everything was going to be OK again and would go "back to normal" and you didn’t know you could do that.
What do you think that leaves me with, Sally?
Should I be feeling all rosy and happy that things are going to work out?
Should I be confident that we can get through whatever trials await us, in the face of your sending me packing on five separate occasions!?!?
No, confident I was not. In fact, it left me profoundly disturbed and hanging on by a thread.
This whole thing just sent me over the edge at a time when I didn’t need to go off the deep end any more than you did.
Did I overreact? Was I shortsighted? Was I rash? Yes, to all of the above.
I literally went over the edge. I broke down. I lost it.
Look, in the end, I am not going to just use it all as an excuse or justification as to why I did what I did.
When all is done, what counts is that I did and I’ll be responsible for that and the consequences that accompany it.
The thing that I’d like you to know is just how much your interactions had and still do have a real and profound effect on me.
Did you ever expressly tell me to go away? No.
Did you ever try to help reassure me that you were still willing to keep going with me? No.
What you do or don’t say to me (literally) means something to me – it’s not neutral.
You of all people know how little real experience I have in relationships with women and how insecure I have been.
I never needed a promise that everything would be OK, but I really did need to know that there was a chance to get there.
I needed to know that you were not going to give up on me.
I lost all hope and then I acted in my darkest moment. Yeah, fucking terrible move on my part, I know.
But in all this, a question still comes to mind: How long does it take to type something to someone, really? Not long.
With as much as you use social media, it’s not an issue of time. You’re a pro at it and you do it all the time.
For me to think that it never occurred to you that sending me a quick message to let me know you were thinking about me would mean something important to me is unimaginable!
Not a conversation, mind you… just a simple “I was thinking about how much I wish I could see you…”
What do you suppose that that simple act and gesture might have meant to me?? EVERYTHING!
For me, the little things do mean a lot.
Hearing anything from you has always had that effect on me.
Why do you think I would text you during the day and tell you “I’m thinking about you…” or “I want you…”?
Because I wanted to hear back from you, I wanted to know that it touched you and that you were thinking of me.
There have been times where I have literally sat and watched my phone in the hope that you would send me a message or call me.
For better or worse, my foolishness extends way beyond my actions of the past few days.
The worst part of all of this is that what I am bringing up here in this mail is the conversation I should have had with you to start.
Unfortunately, I just couldn’t see past the end of my nose (and my own reactions) to do so.
I accept the outcome as it is and I will move forward.
For myself, I have two to-do’s:
- Pray that my judgment will improve
- Try to learn from my mistakes and make better choices in the future
I will work hard at this and I will improve.
And whether you believe it or not – I love you, Sally.
I think you’re an incredibly sexy, beautiful and captivating woman.
I thought that from the first moment I saw you and fell in love with you.
I will miss you and miss being with you more than you can ever possibly know.
Thank you for loving me and for sharing yourself. I’m very grateful for all of it.
Most of all, I am proud of the ground you’ve taken.
All my best wishes, Sally.
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