Circular Logic

Things with Sally have been interesting since Sandy and I filed for divorce... and not interesting in the "good" way. Frankly, I am finding it a bit puzzling.

The key issue is that Sally seems to believe that I am just going to be done with and leave her. That I will meet someone new, move on and leave her behind. She also is convinced that this is part of a pattern that has replayed itself over the course of her life. Ultimately, a comparison is made with me and another person that "left her" once he got his divorce.

I (obviously) don't agree. I can fully appreciate that there may be some things about our current situation that exhibit similarities to things that have happened to her before -- that is not at issue. Despite that, to say that it's the past repeating itself is a huge exaggeration. I have heard her side of the story about how he interacted with her and can understand why she wouldn't want a repeat performance. It was pretty cheesy and devalued whatever relationship they really did have.

I sincerely dislike the comparison. Why? Did he tell her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her? No. Did he tell her that he wanted to marry her? No. Just on these two items alone, this makes this a completely different situation! Fact of the matter is that the situation with Desert Chick was very instructive to me. The whole time, I never lost sight of the fact that I wanted to be with Sally. It's this very thing that kept me from going to the next level with her. All along, I've only wanted to be with Sally.

Over the past two weeks, she kept repeating the same phrase (or the equivalent of) "you're going to find someone who you want to be with more and then I am going to be here all alone". I've told her before that this won't happen. If I were to leave, I would be talking with her about that and it wouldn't just be some overnight deal. I intend to make good on that promise. She listens to me as if I am this other person.

She started going on about this again via IM yesterday and I finally told her that "you know, I've had opportunities... if I was going to leave, I could have done it by now. I haven't done that". It actually felt good to say (well, write) that. Why? Because it lends credibility to what I've been saying all along about my intentions with her.

Well, she didn't say anything about it to me afterward -- it was as if that I'd never said it. As it turns out, we are going to be together this weekend and I intend to bring it back up again and tell her. I want her to know that I have chosen her and that isn't going to change. There is still a lot for us to explore together and I am not going anywhere.

The other thing about this that I find curious is that because she thinks I am going to leave, she feels the need to protect herself and she starts to withdraw from me. Which, incidentally, is a pretty bad strategy. If you really want to ensure that I go, please start withdrawing from me! I won't stick around. I promise. In a certain sense, such an action is actually part of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Worse yet, the whole thing is around a set of rules that she has made and keeps in place. She wants to be with me AND doesn't want to alter her relationship with Ranger Rick. The whole set of rules keeps each of us from having what we really want and keeps things in this limbo state. It very well may be that I have to leave her in order to resolve this paradox.

She also actively questions me and talks about a future without her. Given she has said that nothing is going to change for her, what do I say? No, you're wrong. I have to take her at her word, until I hear something different. So I acknowledge that it's possible (even highly likely) that at some point I will meet someone new and move on.

I don't like the thought of that one bit. I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. Ultimately, I may not get the opportunity to choose that. She may force my hand on this front... and then convince herself that I am like this other person for doing it. A bit maddening and confusing.

The worst thing is that she uses these conversations to reinforce her belief about how things are and how things will be -- it's completely circular logic!! She's effectively making the choice for me. Anything that I say about making a different choice is discounted as though it's not a valid input. So, in essence, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Still, at this point, I have no intention on giving up easily. I'm just going to keep moving things forward and do the best I can.

It just may not be enough...