The alternate title to this blog post could be:
And that's the Nth time that she's left me!I shit you not!
I've been crafting some posts to catch things up, but now find myself perpetually (tragically?) behind the goings on in my world.
So this past Saturday...
On The Ride Home
Sally and I were coming home from a party. As you might have gathered, given my writing resurgence and such, the past months have been very rocky for the two of us.Par for the Course
Over the course of the last year and a half, we've had our challenging moments, so this wasn't unfamiliar territory. I realized and have said to her a number of times -- we really need to find a better way of resolving arguments and disagreements. Where it usually ends up is with her feeling like:
- I am being a jerk to her;
- I am trying to make it her fault and avoid being responsible;
- I don't acknowledge how she really feels about something.
The only thing I ever really want to see happen out of any of our conversations was for the truth to get told. I know from experience that as soon as the truth gets told, lots of room opens up for new things to happen and stuff can start moving towards being resolved.
Why So Rocky?!
One of the things that she had complained about was that I'd let things go and not start the conversation to talk about anything. A key complaint is that she doesn't like to have to be the one who's always the first to "bear their soul" to the other. Part of it, I heartily acknowledge. Why?- When someone tells you they're close to (or at) their breaking point, lobbing on a little bit more stress to the situation may not seem like a good idea;
- I've had a difficult time with her listening to what I say as something judgmental, right/wrong, etc. Truth is that I don't give a shit about that, I just want to be in communication and have something get resolved between us;
- Trying to have a meaningful conversation with someone when they're pissed at you doesn't necessarily seem like a bright idea.
I decided that, since we had a long drive back, it would be a good opportunity to try to talk. This is almost in violation of #3 above, given that she lost her shit with me because of traffic on the way to the party... but that's another story entirely.
We started talking and I was very happy to get things started. She wanted to know how I felt? I was going to tell her! At this point, things were bad enough that I'd basically written off having sex with her again, so it wasn't as though I thought I had anything to lose.
The Conversation
So I don't end up writing a whole fucking book in one shot, here are the big ticket items worth mentioning:
Yes, you heard that right.
She wants to have her own place and live by herself.
It's not that she doesn't love me. She says that she does and I really do believe that. She does feel that she needs to take the time to figure out who she is on her own and let that go wherever it needs to go. Mainly because, she's never lived on her own before, where Rick and I have.
She does feel that she needs to establish that she can do things on her own, doesn't need anyone and can be successful/self-sufficient on her own. I agree with this too, but I don't necessarily agree with her on how best to accomplish that.
Trust me, I understand the logic behind this. I really do. When Sandy moved out, I had no fucking clue about how to be on my own. I didn't know what I liked, disliked, etc. It was all a great mystery to me. So much stuff to learn -- from zero to adult in 3.6 seconds. It wasn't easy either. As you can see, I did survive! LOL
So she basically said to me that she feels like she's trapped with me. She can't move forward, yet she can't stay where she's at. She's stuck between two worlds and no good way to move.
When? To where? How?
These are all unknowns, but I do have a guess about the "where?"! LOL
I also have a guess about the "when?" -- likely 3-6 months.
She's agreed to give me lots of heads up, but is only going to give most everyone else 30 days notice. She's going to have to deal with the consequences of those decisions. I'm going to need her to manage the blowback on me, because I'm not the reason why she'll be leaving! It's on her to sort that out, not me.
Oh and she wants to reserve the right to "change her mind and not go after all"
<sigh>
As of now, I've agreed to support her in all of this. As stupid as that sounds, I can't help but do that. I love her with all my heart and want her to be happy. She's got to work that out for herself, because I cannot make her happy. I can do nice things for her, but that's not a guarantee that she'll be happy. I can be responsible for my happiness and what we do as a couple. That's about it.
I believe the day that she'll leave will come, but I am not going to really think about that until that day comes. I'm not going to push her out or mistreat her. As long as she's in my house and my bed, she is still my girl and I will treat her that way. It'll look like status quo to the rest of the world, until there's some need to make changes to that.
When the day for her to leave comes, I will be:
Then we had great sex again last night.
I think that tonight, we'll likely just try and get some rest... :-P
No D/s Relationship
Right now, there's no room to have this. I'll write about my portion of this later, but suffice it to say that it's not a one way proposition. Right now, it's an unnecessary complication.Sally: Who Am I?
Sally is at a point in her life where she (justifiably) has had an existence which has been primarily defined and driven by the needs of others. It's shaped her from a very young age. She's always been in the position of taking care of others, whether she wanted to or not. I think there's more to this than the obvious, but there you go!
She has said from the time that we got together that she needs to find out who she is and I am in full agreement with that.
That she needs to see and complete some things with Rick is perfectly understandable and something that I wholeheartedly support. I realize that the timing and transition was less than ideal. but that's OK. You can always correct, at least, that's what I believe.
It my opinion that her not being complete with Rick is why she has still not filed for divorce and is considering only filing separation paperwork. I explained the differences and consequences of one over another. Regardless of what happens with me, unless she holds the hope of a reunion as a possibility, she'll be much better off just getting the divorce.
Now, wait for it, it gets better...
The interesting thing is that I think that her residual "pissed off-ed-ness" was actually a withheld communication. So I wasn't going to stop probing until it came out. I had to ask her:She has said from the time that we got together that she needs to find out who she is and I am in full agreement with that.
You Were My Excuse
She also said that she never should have asked Rick for a divorce when she did. Not that she shouldn't have, but the timing may have been different. My being in the picture when "the incident" occurred muddied the waters and it made it easy for her to just jump out of the relationship without doing what she needed to do to be complete with and be responsible for that.That she needs to see and complete some things with Rick is perfectly understandable and something that I wholeheartedly support. I realize that the timing and transition was less than ideal. but that's OK. You can always correct, at least, that's what I believe.
It my opinion that her not being complete with Rick is why she has still not filed for divorce and is considering only filing separation paperwork. I explained the differences and consequences of one over another. Regardless of what happens with me, unless she holds the hope of a reunion as a possibility, she'll be much better off just getting the divorce.
Now, wait for it, it gets better...
Empty The Nest, Now Fly The Coop?!
"So what is it that you really want?"Right now, she wants to be on her own!
Yes, you heard that right.
She wants to have her own place and live by herself.
It's not that she doesn't love me. She says that she does and I really do believe that. She does feel that she needs to take the time to figure out who she is on her own and let that go wherever it needs to go. Mainly because, she's never lived on her own before, where Rick and I have.
She does feel that she needs to establish that she can do things on her own, doesn't need anyone and can be successful/self-sufficient on her own. I agree with this too, but I don't necessarily agree with her on how best to accomplish that.
Trust me, I understand the logic behind this. I really do. When Sandy moved out, I had no fucking clue about how to be on my own. I didn't know what I liked, disliked, etc. It was all a great mystery to me. So much stuff to learn -- from zero to adult in 3.6 seconds. It wasn't easy either. As you can see, I did survive! LOL
So she basically said to me that she feels like she's trapped with me. She can't move forward, yet she can't stay where she's at. She's stuck between two worlds and no good way to move.
Getting Un-stuck
So I am now hereby informed that she is going to leave me and move out of the house to somewhere else and without me.When? To where? How?
These are all unknowns, but I do have a guess about the "where?"! LOL
I also have a guess about the "when?" -- likely 3-6 months.
She's agreed to give me lots of heads up, but is only going to give most everyone else 30 days notice. She's going to have to deal with the consequences of those decisions. I'm going to need her to manage the blowback on me, because I'm not the reason why she'll be leaving! It's on her to sort that out, not me.
Oh and she wants to reserve the right to "change her mind and not go after all"
<sigh>
As of now, I've agreed to support her in all of this. As stupid as that sounds, I can't help but do that. I love her with all my heart and want her to be happy. She's got to work that out for herself, because I cannot make her happy. I can do nice things for her, but that's not a guarantee that she'll be happy. I can be responsible for my happiness and what we do as a couple. That's about it.
I believe the day that she'll leave will come, but I am not going to really think about that until that day comes. I'm not going to push her out or mistreat her. As long as she's in my house and my bed, she is still my girl and I will treat her that way. It'll look like status quo to the rest of the world, until there's some need to make changes to that.
When the day for her to leave comes, I will be:
- Sad
- Upset
- Pissed off
- Unhappy
- And probably a lot of other shit...
But that is to come, not now. For now, I will enjoy being with her, as long as I possibly can.
I clearly cannot get her to do something that she doesn't want to do. Trying to do something that isn't fitting for either of us has significant negative consequences. I'd rather deal with the pain and loss associated with a breakup.
Conclusion
After all this was said and done, we had the best sex that we've had in a long time.Then we had great sex again last night.
I think that tonight, we'll likely just try and get some rest... :-P
See this communicating and resolving things works really well! LOL
Where things go from here?!
It's anyone's fucking guess.
I have nothing to decide, no rush in any of the matters at hand nor any desire to artificially constrain the available choices or responses.
I know that everything will unfold in its own time.
I just have to be patient and go along for the ride.
Fortunately, this is something I am very skilled at!
You can't make this shit up, can you?!?! :-P
Where things go from here?!
It's anyone's fucking guess.
I have nothing to decide, no rush in any of the matters at hand nor any desire to artificially constrain the available choices or responses.
I know that everything will unfold in its own time.
I just have to be patient and go along for the ride.
Fortunately, this is something I am very skilled at!
You can't make this shit up, can you?!?! :-P
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