On Kate...

The alternate title to this post is:

"About regrets"

Yeah, you heard that right. The Big "R" -- Regret.

I never thought I'd be saying this, given my relationship with Sally, but I am.

Why? Well, let's have a look, shall we?!

A Done Deal

The fact of the matter is that during the time when everything was going wrong with Kate and I, I was with Sally and looking forward to something similar with her. I figured that it was a relatively safe bet to call it quits then and there.

Truth be told, given what I'd been going through with Sally, there was no way that I was NOT going to end up with her. As a result, it was a bit of a foregone conclusion that I was going to break it off with Kate.

Everything ended with a phone hung up in my ear. I imagine that she was completely livid at the time and I can completely understand it. The other thing that she told me right before we broke up was (the equivalent of):

"You realize that I give you all the sex you want, whenever you want it, right?!" 

On Sex

There was an instant right before I answered that question where I actively considered what I was giving up to be with Sally. I couldn't help it. It had to be considered.

This is something that I am (currently) painfully aware of! The truth is that sex with her is something that I really, really miss. As of right now, I'm not getting any sex. It's been weeks and it's unlikely to improve anytime soon, so the memory is even more present for me.

Fuck. Even as I am writing this, I am getting extremely hard thinking about the time I spent with her.

The truth is that sex with Kate was very, very different from Sally. It was like no one I'd ever been with before.

During the time when we were still together, I was starting to come into my own as a Dominant (more on this in another blog entry) and was starting to "play" with her on a limited basis. She went along with everything I'd ever wanted and had I decided to stay with her, she'd have likely gone further. The fact of the matter is that she really responded well to me.

We'd fuck twice a day or more routinely! If she could have realistically worked out how to get a good fucking at lunch, I'm sure she'd have done it. Living so close to your work had its advantages, eh?! I took her everywhere in her house and my house. It was grand.

It's also true that she was an amazing lover. She loved sex as much as I did. It was so wonderful to be waking up in the morning and have Kate climb upon my cock and start fucking me while we were still half asleep. I cannot even begin to express how wonderful that is! I do miss that...

To think that I gave up on that is a very, very tough thing.
Right about now, I am really not happy about it! :-(

On Intimacy

I also miss the intimacy with Kate. She's much more intimate than Sally is.
Yes, really!

Kate and I would lay in bed together, holding each other. We'd laugh, cuddle, snuggle and so forth for hours. In fact, we could spend days in bed and not care. Actually, we did! We'd sit downstairs in her living room and watch TV. I'd lay my head on her lap or vice versa. There was a tenderness together that we shared which was very, very special. I miss that very much. More than I think I've realized!

It's not to say that one way is right and another is wrong, but certainly I do miss the intimacy with her. There's no way around it. I really do.

I want and need intimacy in my life, not just the BDSM! This is an example of something that Kate provided that no one else has been able to provide. God, do I miss that.

In writing this, it's the first time I've really come to acknowledge this for myself.

Why The Breakup Was Inevitable

I'm 99.999% sure that Kate was aware that I was seeing/fucking other women -- namely, Sally.

I think, given where our relationship was at, she was "fine" with it. I didn't shove it in her face, but I also didn't say that I wouldn't do that. We didn't have an agreement to be exclusive, but it was about as close as one could get to having one.

When Kate got up the nerve to say "I love you," I knew that was the choice point. If I said that back to her, I knew that I was choosing to be with Kate. She'd want things to be exclusive. That was something that I was not ready for at the time.

That's really why I thought it was just a matter of time.

Where She Fell Short

When we had our first blowing up and she (basically) broke up with me, that really hurt me. I was happy and didn't appreciate the way that she treated me. I also didn't think it was a very adult way of working out our differences. Frankly, I don't even remember what the issue was about. I'd have to go back to the old blog entries to figure that out.

The second way was her attitude towards me, as I was hitting a critical time in the business. I had been working a lot of hours and was very honest about that. I was pushing really hard trying to bring a project in and things were looking really bleak. At the same time, she was pressuring me about getting together.

She was essentially asserting that I really didn't have an interest in seeing her. I let her know that this was not the case. I really was working really fucking hard! I had everything riding on that being successful. In the end, the work that was invested didn't pan out either. Through no fault of my own and not of my choosing, the idea got put into deep freeze.

The bottom line was that when I really needed her to support me, she didn't. That was the single biggest factor in my deciding to end things with her.

Where I Fell Short

I think that the first area where I really fell short was in continuing my relationship with Sally. I really wanted it all. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. It was very selfish on my part. Had I been able to devote myself to our relationship, things might have been a lot different. Ultimately, I'll really never know about that, will I?

I also regret not saying "I love you" sooner. Yes, it would have forced me to a choice point, but that might have been the right thing and time in which to address it.

The truth is that I couldn't bear the thought of telling Sally goodbye, but I was able to tell Kate that. And that hurts. That really fucking hurts.

It isn't like I didn't love Kate, because I did. That's the rough truth. I did/do love Kate. I do miss her very much, in a lot of ways. There are things that Kate brought to my life that no one would be able to duplicate.

What's Next?

This is a question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. Why?
Given I expect that things are going to go badly with Sally very soon, I think it's incumbent upon me to take stock of what I've done.

Part of it is a conscience clearing, part of it is coming clean with Kate and part of it is a "Hail Mary" to see if there's any room to "re-ignite the flame."
I actually wrote a letter to her and never sent it. It may be time

Truth be told, I only think I really have room to do the conscience clearing part.
If so, that's good enough for me.

Then again, would my sending that and potentially opening old wounds do more harm than good?!

I just don't know -- I think I'll keep thinking about that for a bit.

<sigh>