Another One Bites The Dust?

Or "The End of Rosie"... I'm not sure which one to use. She and I saw each other last night and what started out as a nice evening ended up rather poorly. In fact, I was a bit disturbed at how the evening played out.

It's always interesting dealing with someone new, because you're learning things about how they live their life, what's important to them and (ultimately) how that would map onto your life. Given this, I was very interested to have dinner with Rosie at her Apartment.

I just don't think I was prepared for how it actually went.

I was really looking forward to the meal that she had promised to prepare. She told me about a spaghetti sauce that she likes to do and I offered an enthusiastic yes, when it came to "would this be a good choice for dinner?" As a matter of fact, I was very pleased to take her up on her offer. I love spaghetti and especially love homemade sauces. As it turns out, she made the meatballs by hand. I was impressed by this.

So when I first got to the apartment, she had prepared a number of appetizers and asked me to sit on the couch and relax as she continued to cook. I agreed, sat down and began to nosh. Conversation ensued. One of the things it's actually been very fun about being with Rosie is that we've had a very easy time in talking with each other. There are lots of things that we've been able to talk about and none of it has been hard or forced. I've enjoyed it quite a bit.

This evening, one of the things that had been different was that she'd been drinking wine prior to my arrival. By the time I had arrived, she had finished half a bottle. Within about an hour of my arrival, she had finished the remainder of that and proceeded to open a new bottle.

All along, I've been very clear with the people I've been dating that I do not drink. I've also been clear about the fact that I don't mind that other people drink. I don't have any issue with people drinking, until it starts affecting things relationally. As you may recall from earlier posts, this is one of the key issues that had developed between Sandy and I. As a result, I probably have a heightened sensitivity to the drinking issue.

So about the time that she finish up the first bottle, it was clear to me that she was a little bit "buzzed". She told me that she was going to open the second bottle and proceeded to do so. At this point, I really had no problem with. I knew she wasn't going to drive anywhere, so there was really no basis for me to say anything about or have a problem with it. Especially since we had not previously had any issues with drinking on earlier dates.

The evening continued on and the preparations for dinner continued. In the midst of the preparations, we took the opportunity to talk about various things of interest to each other and right in the middle of one of these discussions, she suddenly realized that the pasta she was cooking had been in an extremely long time (as well as the garlic bread she was cooking). At this point she ran to the kitchen to check on it and found that indeed it had overcooked. To me, this was the first warning sign.

It's been my experience that when people drink, not only is there a slight change in personality (or maybe even a substantial change in personality), but there is also a corresponding lack of attention to detail. It's natural, because one's attention and reflexes suffer with these increased effects of the alcohol. That's why drunk driving is so dangerous, right? Reaction times, judgment and coordination are impaired. It's a good thing that the kitchen is a much safer environment in which to be inebriated... except for the guests that are going to eat the food! In this case, me! LOL

The evening continued and dinner was served. We sat down and ate and I can say that, despite any issues that she had with the preparation process, she cooked good and tasty meal. There really was no problem with it. Whatever she thought was wrong with the food, due to the issues in preparation, certainly didn't affect the taste for my enjoyment of the dinner. We ate and talked. About the time when there was all done, she leaned over to me and we started kissing.

This went on for a while and she started to get a little bit more excited. I was going along here and enjoy myself. I had no intention of trying to force anything or take it any further than where things would otherwise go on their own. Right in the middle of all this, she stops and starts asking me questions about my intentions for the relationship, what my beliefs are about relationship and what my interests in being with her are.

Ordinarily, I would happily address any of these questions. As I have mentioned to her before (and to everyone that I dated so far), I hold my life to be an open book. Any question that they wish to ask me, they are welcome to. Nothing is out of bounds.

One of the only caveats that I have to this is that I will not have any serious conversation with people when they are drinking. This is especially true when it gets to the point where it's clear that a person is no longer of sound mind. I made up this rule as a result of having dealt with Sandy and her drinking problems. It was inevitable that, whenever she'd been drinking, at some point she would want to have a "meaningful conversation" with me (or someone else around us) and it would inevitably go sour. In some cases, very sour!

As a result, I was very wary of any situation where she was drinking that would lead to conversation. I was very clear with her about this and would remind her on a regular basis -- before, during and after the drinking. I was just not willing to tolerate how badly the conversation would go and then having it seemed as though I was doing something wrong or there was some way in which I was unwilling to be a part of the conversation.

By the time we had finished up our dinner, Rosie had consumed two full bottles of wine on her own. And it was quite evident to me that her thinking and judgment had been impacted. Quite honestly, even if she had wanted to go farther than just kissing, I'm quite clear I wouldn't have. I would not have wanted it to seem as if I were trying to take advantage her while her judgment was impaired. That is not consistent with how I live. It's completely unacceptable to me.

If I am going to engage in intimate relations with someone, it is going to be with their full knowledge and approval. It requires that they make that decision when they are of sound mind.

Throughout the entire time we were having this conversation, the associations with my previous previous history with Sandy were right there in my face! It was as if I was reliving the past and this really bothered me. I didn't feel as though I had the freedom to be able to talk about it with her at the time, because I knew that she was in an impaired state. But it was clear to me when that conversation was completed, that a line had been crossed and that something had changed.

I helped Rosie cleanup and she graciously offered to provide me with leftovers that I could eat. Given I was now responsible for feeding myself and cooking my own meals, this was a welcome offer and I graciously accepted. Once everything was prepared, I made ready to leave. While it was getting late and I was feeling fatigued, this was only part of the reason why I wanted to go. I really knew that nothing good would come out of staying there longer. Even if something good did come from it, the likelihood of her actually remembering it tomorrow (read as the next day) was questionable.

I know this because she kept asking me the same question multiple times (within the span of several minutes!) and did not remember that she was doing this. Given the situation, why would I think that she would her remember anything that we would discuss from that point on? I didn't. So I did the most reasonable thing I could -- I decided to leave.

I offered her my thanks for the meal, kissed her and said good night. I left her apartment in a pretty unsettled state. While I may have been satisfied with the meal, I was not satisfied with how our interactions went that night. If I had to express a preference, I would rather have been satisfied with how we were interacting/relating and had a horrible meal. Why? Eventually you will forget a horrible meal; problems resulting from how you interact with and relate to someone else are an entirely different deal.

As I mentioned previously, she is going to be taking some time off and traveling this next week, so it's unlikely that I will see her or have a chance to talk with her until she comes back. When she does come back, this is one of the conversations that we are going have. In fact, I think one of the things that we are going have a conversation about is that I think that the most that we are going to be (moving forward) is friends, because I don't intend to get into another situation where drinking is a problem that becomes part of what I have to deal with.

I also don't want to be responsible for someone having to change their behavior (unless it's something that they really want to do), because behavioral change is always suspect. When push comes to shove, it's pretty easy to go back to old behaviors and blame your circumstances for why that is the case. I would not want to be in the situation where I become associated with either the circumstances or the "blame" for them. I can see that this is a potential (dare I say "likely"?) outcome and have absolutely no interest in being a party to that.

While there's a certain part of me that's disappointed that things haven't gone farther with Rosie, there's also a certain part of me that's actually quite pleased that it hasn't. It makes it much easier to declare a quick and clean break. If she still wants to be friends, I am willing to do that. I like spending time with her and she's a lot of fun. Somehow I don't think that she'll want to do that. I guess we'll find out.

So at this point, it seems as though we're now down to one -- Kate.

And you know what? I like it. :-D