Been Busy...

I've been very busy over the past few weeks and I've wanted to blog, but haven't had the time to do so. I really don't have the time to do it now, but I feel compelled to at least write a few lines. :-)  Okay, so it will be more than a few lines. I'm not sure that I know how to do anything in just a few lines! LOL

It's an interesting time of life for me. Business is in the toilet and it's got me in a precarious financial situation. Things with Sandy are OK, but not great. Other than a few "bumps", I'd say that I was having the best time of my life -- bar none!

That's some pretty strong stuff coming from me. Let's examine a few reasons why I say these things, shall we?

Sandy
OK, let's start with Sandy. An interesting thing happened the other day. I had a phone call with Sandy and during the course of the phone call she basically told me that I should:

"rent the house, move down to <her city> and not go through with the divorce."

I know that Sandy was in the person not want a divorce. I understand that completely. At the same time, she understands at least a portion of why I had asked for things to be this way. I (of all people) can appreciate that this is tough on her, because I can assure you it's been tough on me. Nothing about this is been easy. Not even close. So, it isn't without a little bit of irony to have had that conversation with her.

Part of what she was telling me was that there were a number of things that she's gotten clear about over the past number of months regarding how things have been for her. She's had some insights into different aspects of how she was living her life that "didn't feel right". She talked about how she hadn't really felt like herself in quite a long time and how that this had an impact on our relationship.

I don't doubt that this is actually true. I'm sure it is. There are number of things I was unhappy about, not the least of which was her drinking problem. Apparently, she does believe that she's taken significant ground in this area and feels that whatever things that were behind these issues are now behind her. For her sake, I hope that this is true.

Still, I have no desire to torture her or otherwise have her feel bad about herself, but one thing I am clear about -- there is no future that involves an "us". I did the best that I could to tell her that, without being mean or judgmental about it. That's just the way that things are. We are getting a divorce and there is no turning back.

There are some elements remain to be worked out, especially considering the paperwork filed with the court and the marital separation agreement. Beyond that, we are living two separate lives. For all intents and purposes, we are no longer married. I am operating like a single man and am enjoying myself tremendously. I cannot even conceive of life like the one that I left.

Perhaps it's a shortcoming on my part. A lack of patience, generosity or compassion? I don't know. I don't think this is the case, but a part of me is concerned about that. There are things I am doing with other people (specifically other women) that I never took the time to do with Sandy.part of me wonders whether things could've been different, had I started doing these things earlier. In a certain sense, I guess I'll never know.

I've moved on both physically and mentally. This is a whole new world for me.and I am taking things on with a vengeance. I am now having to be responsible for aspects of my life that I've never had to be responsible for before. And I'm doing really well at it! I'm actually pretty proud of myself for how I'm handling things... Not so proud that I don't think that I can do better, but proud nonetheless.

So regardless of how disruptive or intrusive this change/transition has been, I am making the progress and taking the ground that I had intended to when I started this.

Kate
Things with Kate have been a lot of fun. In fact, we've spent (and are spending) quite a bit of time together. It seems we've actually grown quite close over the past month or so. Far closer and far quicker than I had anticipated would be possible. We are still at an early stage of our relationship at this point, but I am very happy with the way things are going and I'm looking forward to where this will actually go.

As it turns out, her mother has been staying with her for a number of months and is about to return home. Last night, as I was on my way home from a meeting, I had a phone call with her and she asked if I would be interested in meeting her mom before she went home. The interesting part about this is that she prefaced the question with a number of caveats, including a comment about how it might not be a good idea for her to ask the question.

I thought this was actually both a cute, a bit funny and a bit disturbing. Maybe disturbing is not the right word, but it did kind of bother me. The part that bothered me wasn't even about "me" (per se), I guess. It is quite clear that there's a certain background and understanding, based upon previous relationships that she's been in, that would have her think about where our relationship is at and how she should interact with me.

I don't expect anybody can overcome their history in one fell swoop, like Superman leaping over a tall building in a single bound. There's trust developing and interest opening up... there are a lot of things happening and all that is good. So, I'm going to keep paying attention to what's happening and do my best to be open and honest with her, as we move forward.

One of the things I told her not to long ago was something that I had remembered from one of the first times that we are a phone call together. The thing I remembered in the thing that really stood out for me (with regards to our ability to talk to each other), was how comfortable and "at home" I felt when I spoke with her. The quality of the connection and the level of relatedness that I experienced being on the phone with her was unlike anything that I've experienced with anyone that I talked to since.

I had a number of conversations with other women from the online dating service, but none of them had the same quality or character like talking with Kate did. The interaction with her was definitely a level above and this fact has stayed in my mind all along. I told Kate this. I wanted her to know how different that this was for me.

Another thing that happened a few weeks ago, happened when we were getting together to have dinner together at my house. So, there we are in the kitchen. We are each doing certain elements of the food preparation for the meal that we were going to make that night. I was walking from the trashcan back over towards my stove and I had this eerie sense cross my mind. It wasn't a bad sense. Not at all.

In fact, if I had to lay a label on it, I would describe it as having a sense of everything in life lining up properly. Our being there together, cooking, talking and enjoying each others company. It felt as if it was something that we had been doing for a long time -- completely natural and extremely comfortable. So, all in all, I think that you can easily get the sense that things are on the right path.

I'm hoping that within the next few weeks, she'll be able to meet my family as well. Things are good here.

Rosie
Things with Rosie are moving, albeit in fits and spurts. There are some days that I think that things are going well and other days when I do not. Given her job and how she manages her time, finding time to be together has been challenging. She's also been fairly "protective". I don't know whether this is a result of previous relationships or just a normal wanting to establish some boundaries with a new relationship. It's all a bit confusing.

Given that I don't have an extensive experience with this, it's really hard for me to tell. This past week was good in that we finally had a chance to start talking again. The week prior we hardly exchanged a text message the entire week. She was extremely busy at work and so was I. It's not like I believe that it this is all one-sided. I have my share of calendar limitations as well.

She's volunteered to make dinner tomorrow (her "special" spaghetti sauce) and have some time for us to spend with each other, prior to her taking a short trip to Sedona, AZ. I really don't know what the afternoon/evening will hold with her, but I am not interested in giving up yet. I still want to see where this can go in determine whether or not there is any interest for something more substantial.

I'll write some more about how things go with Rosie, once things move a little bit further along. Maybe it will be in the next few days... Who knows?

Summary
Interestingly enough, the last time I visited my mom, she asked me an interesting question:

"Who is ahead?"

Now, granted, this really has it seem more like a "horse race" than actually being related to real people. LOL

And I know that she doesn't mean it that way. I know that she's looking at it from a perspective of do I have any preferences or have things move forward more with one person than another. When I answered her quickly and told her that Kate was in the lead, I think that took her by surprise a little bit. I don't really believe that she expected to get such a quick answer from me.

And the truth about it is that she is in the lead, as far as I can tell. So far, everything has been beyond what I could have ever hoped for.

There's also no need to rush. We have time and we're enjoying each others company. Right now, that's what counts. Eventually, we will get to the point where something is either more serious or we're clear that we need to move on. Fortunately, that day is not today. We don't need to make that decision (or really any decision) right now.

I don't know where things are going, but (for the most part) I am sure enjoying the ride.