The Vortex

I don't know if there's any other way to describe it, when things go South with Sally and I, they don't just go South -- they go off the rails. As you might imagine, that's never a good thing. This time had a few twists to it that were interesting.

First off, I am not going to do a play-by-play, that would take too long and cover too much ground. I'll give the high-level view.

She contacted me while I was at a holiday party and asked if I could come out and see her. I had known for about the past week that she was in a bit of a funk about us. I wasn't quite sure what to do. Naturally, given that she asked, I said "yes" and started off to meet with her. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I got there and she had already arrived and was sipping on a cup of coffee. Conversation ensued as it usually does. I ask "what did you want to talk about?". She says "nothing specific". I proceed down a path of questioning, trying to get at what's going on and get whatever is "wrong" resolved. And, guess what? It never goes like that. It just spirals downward from there. Guess what? It did. We both ended up leaving the restaurant feeling awful. We sat in bed and traded text messages until the early AM hours. Not fun.

When we woke up the next morning (just a few hours later, it seems), we started again. And this continued for several hours. I finally told her that I would own my part of this mess and would work to resolve it -- do whatever it took. We should just meet one more time and talk -- really talk. If we couldn't work it out, I'd do the right thing and leave of my own choice and she'd be done with me. Period. End of story. She said "no" initially and continued to and I finally begged her to agree to meet with me. I never have begged anyone for anything ever before. This was a first.

I even told her that I would do all the talking and she didn't have to say anything if she didn't want to. She asked if we could meet somewhere where we could have some real privacy. I suggested my house, as there would be no one here but me. She agreed and I told her that I would be here when she got here. At this point, I just sat back and reflected a little bit on what was about to happen. What I was wanted to say, how I wanted it to go. I was really ready to end it and be complete. There was nothing left to lose.

She arrived and I showed her around the house. I cleaned up a spot on the couch where we could sit and talk.  She came in and we sat down. She sat on the far end of the couch, legs crossed with her sunglasses on. It was a way of her keeping her distance from me. She was intent on letting me do all the talking and being vulnerable. So, I started off with it. I laid it all on the line. I talked about the things I was confused about, what I had a hard time with -- all of the things that I hadn't really had a chance to say.

By this time, she started joining in the conversation (never taking the glasses off). And we talked. Things came to a stopping point and she'd ask me "Is there anything else?". I'd say yes, think for a minute and then come up with another question or point to discuss. We did this for about two hours. Finally, we had pretty much worked through the misunderstandings and reached some conclusions about how we would interact with each other moving forward. Things weren't peachy, but they were a bit cleaner than they were before.

She asked me the question again "Is there anything else?". I sat there thinking to myself that it's killing me that I can't reach over and take her hand or kiss her, given that she was so close to me. I mean, seriously. On my couch, in my house -- and I cannot do anything. I was literally quite scared to try. So, when she asked the question, I said "yes..." and I sat there silent for what seemed like a number of minutes. She sat there looking at me and then I said "I don't know if what I have in mind is a good idea or not". She kinda groaned and looked away for a brief moment... and that's when I moved from my seat and went to kiss her.

Truth be told, the way things were at that moment, it seemed to me like this was the worst thing I could possibly do! If I did, I would likely mess things up to the point where it was beyond repair. I sat there contemplating my options and I figured that if this was going to be the deal breaker, so be it. I really didn't think about it, per se, but that thought did occur to me. In the end, I knew that I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to do so.

As soon as I kissed her, we just melted into each others arms and it was all "full speed ahead" from there. Before I knew it, we were tearing each others clothes off, ripping the pillows off the couch and going at it like we were under some sort of spell. I guess that is the power of "make up sex". And it was spectacular. I have a jacuzzi bathtub in my house and it was the first time that it had ever been used for that purpose (at least, that I am aware of). All of it was completely unplanned and we had a great time together.

Besides that, given what happened, some very important things became clear to me and were resolved through this.

1. I got real clear that there is no future with Sally
Yes, I said it. There is no future with her. We love each other and we make love to each other. She is not going to leave Ranger Rick. Or at least, she isn't going to do it anytime soon or at my request. She'll do what she does when she does it. We are going to part ways at some point. The funny thing about this? I am OK with that. Though, the reality is that neither of us is ready to be done with the other. There's a lot for us still left to do and explore with each other.

2. I am fine with her managing her relationship the way she sees fit
How she deals with her relationship with Rick isn't my problem. She's not had sex with him in a long time, because she wants to be faithful to me. I don't think that she really wants to have sexual relations with him, as she knows that it won't be satisfying to her. Yet, she realizes that at some point she will have to "take one for the team", to keep her marriage held together.

I expect that we will talk about it and I know that she will have sex with Rick at some point while I am still seeing her. As I told her, I won't like it, but I won't begrudge her that or ask her not to. In fact, I've told her from the start that I wouldn't ever ask that of her. It just isn't fair of me. I understand the situation. Now, if she were just going out and having sex with random guys, that would be a different story entirely. But, I know that she would not do that.

Bottom line is that her relationship with Rick won't affect my ability to be with her. It's part of the constraints and the reality of our relationship. It is what it is and I'm OK with that too.

So, in a certain sense, despite it being a huge blow up and problem, we now have a new foundation for being related to each other. Some things are open and some things are (really) closed that weren't before.

In the end, we're both clear that we need each other and are OK with that. We will love each other, care for each other and that's good enough for me.

She's going to be at my house tomorrow and I've got some special things planned for her. Will most likely the topic of my next blog posting. LOL