Two Days And A Wake Up...

As I sit in my "room" here on Christmas morning, it seems that the best gift that I am going to get (and likely give) this year is that of a future for Sandy and I that isn't an extension of our past. In a very short time, that gift will arrive and it's all up for grabs then. Neither of us knows where it's going to go, but we do know that we're going.

I am going to remember this Christmas for the rest of my life.

This has been a challenging time for sure. Nothing has been easy about it. Even the easy shit has been hard. That's saying something. I've been so scattered for practically the entire year. I have a hard time focusing and getting my wits about me. Easily distracted and vulnerable. I hope that come Tuesday morning, all that will change. Now that the other shoe has dropped and the remaining uncertainty about my future with Sandy is resolved, there is only taking the actions to formalize everything.

I had a short text exchange with Sally last night. She knows that the formal split is just about here -- I do talk with her about most everything that is going on between Sandy and I. At least, the things that are relevant to her or that she might care about. Overall, it was great. But, she started getting sad last night. Why? Because she is aware that, at some point, I am going to want to be with someone on a full-time basis. And she's right. I will want that. Right now, only one thing is sure -- I don't want that right now. I am not even close to being ready for that.

The next months are about me. How many months? I don't know. I cannot say. All I do know, is that I don't have any intention of running out and finding someone new to "shack up with". That would be a complete undermine of what I've started to unfold, as part of the process of separating from Sandy. At the same time, I can't say that I wouldn't have someone move in or get serious with someone. I just don't know. Regardless, it cannot impede my moving through the spaces I need to go through before I choose to be in a long term relationship again. That just wouldn't be smart.

Sally and I have a good relationship and I don't want to change that right now. It's working well and we've got a plan for being with each other more consistently in 2011. That wull be good for both of us, I think. At least, until it's not. LOL. At some point, we'll have to consider life without each other, but I am hoping that this day is a long way off. As I told her last night, there's a lot that she and I still have to experience with each other. I am intent on seeing that through to its (il)logical conclusion. She's helped me learn so much about myself and how I relate to her and women in general. It's been such a gift to me. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be the man that I am today. I will be forever grateful to her for that.

I touched base with Laura just a few days ago and it looks like she is going home to her family. She's been busy with her move and with work. I figured that would be the case. She was nice enough to send me an e-mail to tell me that and suggest that we might connect after the first of the year. I wrote back and told her that I thought that was a great idea, we would do that and wish her a happy holiday break. So, I don't have any idea where this is going, but I am going to pursue it aggressively. I mean, why not!?!? I've never been much good at meeting women and dating, so this is a great opportunity to start getting practice, right? Yeah, that's exactly what I think.

Meanwhile, Desert Chick ("DC?) is still pursuing me hot and heavy. She wants to get me in bed really bad. One of the things I really appreciate about her is that she is not shy. She says what she feels and asks for what she wants. With her, there's no guessing. It's all on the table. Some might find that annoying, I do not. I find that very refreshing. I'm still kind of on the fence as to whether I actually want to take that next step with her or not, so I am taking it slowly. I'm not overly anxious to have sex with her. I think it could be good, but again, there's no need to rush it. If/when the time is right, there will be the opportunity to do so.

I do feel a certain need to have more sex, but it's not just about the intercourse. Much of it is about the social nature of meeting and interacting with others (women, especially). I've been a quasi-hermit for almost two decades! It's time to break out and see what it feels like to stand on my own in the light of day. There's much to do and experience here. I have no idea how long it'll take to "get my sea legs". I'm positive that I will get them, but what it'll look like getting there? Ugh. No idea. Only thing that I know is that it involves starting. This is one area that I can't just sit around and ponder.

I was supposed to go over to the house to work with Sandy today, but that's not going to happen. We got done with the family Christmas breakfast late and Sandy called me all pissed on my way out the door -- obviously upset. She had obviously been crying and told me "It's hard enough. Don't bother coming over tomorrow. Tell me when you're going to be here tomorrow and be on time." Fair enough. It's not like I intentionally tried to push things off, but I did lose track of time and messed up by not calling. Such is the back-and-forth of how it's been with Sandy. Everything is a reminder to her of "how much I don't communicate with her".

It's one of the reasons that I am not unhappy about the divorce. The dysfunctional behavior that exists between us will be disrupted once and for all. If for no other reason, I think this will be good for the both of us. I cannot imagine continuing on the way things are. Given what we've already tried to do to overcome the relational obstacles we've faced, I have no faith that any further action would make a tangible difference in the situation.

All factors considered, I think I am doing remarkably well with how things are going. In two and a half days, a new life starts. The "reality" of this hasn't really hit me yet. In fact, I don't think that it is going to hit for some time after she's gone. Right now, it's just imminent. It's not all that "real", but it's getting there. It's weird feeling really -- I feel a sense of anticipation, I'm often scared and also relieved that it's almost here.

I never thought I'd find myself in this place. Never. Yet, here I am.

I may be a little disoriented, but I am still in the game...