Today Was Hard

I spent the day today working with Sandy on our separation agreement. It was actually one of my hardest days thus far. So many things about it were uncomfortable. I can almost not even just choose one that stands out more than another.

Some days I hate my life and this was one of them.

I went into today wanting to have a conversation with her to complete our relationship up until now and look to see if we could have a meaningful discussion about the future. She did what was predictable -- focused on the "practical things" (namely the agreement).

When you limit yourself to just that, there's a whole lot that just gets dropped out. Frankly, there's a part of me that says "let's just get it over with". That part wants a divorce and a complete ending badly. Then there's another part of me that really loves her and wants to have something meaningful beyond where we are today, even if it's not as a married couple.

It tends to work out with her that, when things don't play out a certain way, it just ends up being my fault. There was something that I didn't do, someone I wasn't being, some thing that I didn't say or say right. She'll rarely come out and say it, but it doesn't matter -- it's there as clear as the on my face.

Tonight, as the full impact of the split is hitting, she's sitting there crying and I'm feeling like a complete heel. Yet, there's a ton of stuff that I've endured over the past decade that doesn't seem to have any relevance here. As if it's been all rainbows and happiness... and then somewhere along the way, I did something to mess it all up.

I cannot even grasp the number of years -- not days, weeks or months, but years -- where I took immense grief from her and endured. Where I stood by and either operated over the top of it OR turned it into some problem/deficiency with me.

Look, I'm not saying that she "did it to me". No, there's a piece that I am fully responsible for, but it does take two to do that. There is a piece for her to be responsible for as well. Part of the sadness I feel is the recognition of that -- what I have to be responsible for. Part of it is giving myself grief for having waited so long to take action.

Anyone can look back and question choices. That takes no talent or courage. Standing in the middle of what feels awful and trusting that your making a good choice is tough stuff. I often wonder whether or not I am just jumping from the (proverbial) "frying pan into the fire". No, there's nothing easy or simple about this. In fact, it seems to get more complicated and risky with each passing day.

I hope that I can muster the strength to keep going. It's not a done deal, by any stretch of the imagination.

This is shaping up to be my worst holiday ever.