Though that just might show that you're actually a masochist! :-P
As I am a Dominant and a Sadist (sexually speaking, that is...), I'm really good with that.
There are a few key, related thoughts that I routinely entertain. They are:
Know your value, even if it hurts
At least, I know my value in our relationship -- I'm "The Bank." Due to various circumstances and obligations, I am the primary breadwinner in the household. As the "Dominant" (intentional use of quotes), I have pledged to care for my submissive, as we have a "24x7" relationship.
My intent here is clear. I want to see her be healthy, happy and successful. I took this on as an expression of our mutual commitment to each other. Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of the time, I end up feeling like I am unappreciated and insufficiently acknowledged for what I do and provide.
I've mentioned before -- I work and travel for work a lot! Why do I do this? It's not because "I want to" or "it's an escape from my home life." I've done that before and that's not it.
I do what I do so I can provide the quality of life I want for us. This year has taken a significant toll on me physically. In fact, I spent the better part of my vacation time in December flat on my back (for all the wrong reasons), as I gutted my way through this work year. Now, come the holidays, I get to pay the bill for all of it. How delightful.
It's all about her
We both became active in a local community group after moving here. Oh, yes, BTW, we moved to the Pacific Northwest. Anyhow, she was active first and then I joined much later.
When I did, I jumped in, I did so with both feet. I quickly established myself and started taking a leadership role. Seemingly becoming a more active part of the community and "advancing" faster than she did. Well, we can't have this, right?!
Yeah, she she got pissed about it and started asking questions of me like "Why did you do that?," "I thought this was about 'us' doing it 'together'?" I told her that, from my point of view, this wasn't a competition. It wasn't about being "ahead" or "behind", yet I agreed to scale back my participation.
We started doing more events together for a short time and got "caught up" in terms of progression through the program. Then she decided that she wanted to take more of an active role in the organization, which she still continues to do. Despite some frustrations with her role, she's now one of the best known people in the community.
Me?! Well, aside from some insiders in the community, I'm now known as either "just another schmuck" or "Sally's partner (or husband, sometimes)".
Taking on a role when convenient
While she has been my submissive for quite a few years, in all honesty, she's really been more of a fuck buddy/girlfriend/spouse than anything else. We've had a written D/s agreement for a long time. When we first started it, we had what I would call a "high-protocol household." That didn't last too long. She didn't mind it when we were playing (that is, engaging in BDSM play, in case you didn't know), but beyond that it she didn't like it. Turns out that she's not much into rituals and routines that she doesn't like. Wow! Shocker, right? Yeah, not shocked.
We've tried revising it, but the end result is still the same. She does it when it's convenient for her or when we're playing. Often times, this gets brought up as a fault of mine, rather than something we're mutually responsible for. This will definitely be coming up for discussion soon, as I am contemplating revisions to the agreement. More on this later -- it might require drastic changes in the agreement and our relationship!
My friends should call me "sloppy seconds"
All of this is centered around The Fool. Of late, she makes sure that all of her "relationships" get "their time and attention." The net result of this is that I get a lot less time with her than everyone else. In fact, in a recent conversation with her, she told me that if I wanted to have sex or play with her, I needed to "get on her calendar"! This is one of those things that relates to the D/s agreement revisions discussed above.
Without fail, she schedules her fuck sessions with The Fool. He clearly gets her "girly bits" tingling. All in all, I don't have a problem with that. But in a certain sense, it's almost like she tosses it in my face.
- When she talks about him, there's a certain light in her eyes that I don't see when she talks with me.
- The special erotic notification tone (a low guttural growl) for the texts she gets on her phone.
- And a few other things to go along with it.
Basically, I get whatever time I can schedule. I'm entitled to my "slice of time" in the hopper/bed, just like everyone else does. I guess this shows exactly where I stand in the grand plan of Sally's life. I'm just another relationship. I get the leftovers, unless.
Where's the sense of fairness?
That's a good question! And you know what? It's really missing.
She's been actively cultivating outside opportunities and relationships. Dating sites, coffee dates... all the way through engaging in intimate, sexual relations with folks like The Fool and The Crypt Keeper.
What do I do? I work my ass off. When she's out, I'm at home pet sitting. Otherwise, I'd be paying for the service. To me, that would just be adding insult to injury. I'd be paying for her to go get fucked by someone else. Nice, eh?!
Well, in a very real sense, I am already paying for it. I underwrite her (our) lifestyle and living arrangements. Enormous amounts of stress between my work and the travel associated with it. I continually hear -- "You work too much," "You travel too much," "I'm lonely, so I need to date when you're not around," and so on.
I try to talk with her about this, but it always comes back on me as something I am doing wrong or am not doing because of work/travel. Oh, I see, I need to be doing my own dating. Getting out there and finding my own partners to fuck and play with. That's my fault. I'm not getting it done. Doing what I am supposed to be doing to take care of her/us. Do I get credit for that?! O.o. Errrr, no. See above. I get no end of shit for that.
No, my taking care to ensure that we're able to live the lifestyle we want has prevented me from actively engaging in external relationships. To make matters worse, I will likely need to work a second job (more on this later) in 2019 to ensure that we can continue to live this lifestyle. How do you expect this will work out for me?! ). Yeah, you guessed it, likely not well. It'll still be my fault.
When something happens or she ends up being short on cash, which happens a lot, I'm the first call! I don't see her calling her partners looking for a way out of trouble. No, that falls on my shoulders. I get all the burdens of ownership with little to no associated benefits.
At the end of the day, I feel like this is just massively unfair.
The worst part? I've done it to myself.
AGAIN!
And I'm more than a bit pissed off about it...
<sigh>
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