The Turning Point

This Friday is a special day -- it's the anniversary of my first date with Sally. I approach this with both a sense of happiness and sorrow. It is also a milestone in my personal journey. It's a turning point for me.

The happy part of it is that my relationship with her has opened up so many opportunities for me as a man and a person. If it hadn't been for her, I may not have had the guts to face up to what really didn't work about my life and do something about it. No, there's nothing that she forced me to do that I couldn't have done on my own, but her support certainly made a difference for me. It was both a source of courage and inspiration for me. Out of knowing her, I have come to know myself better. For that, I am indebted to her and will appreciate that for the rest of my life.

The sad part of this is related to the loss of the relationship. There are lots of entries on this blog that detail the challenges and trials that we've had during the course of our relationship. Despite any of the problems or heartache, I love Sally more than anyone I have ever known and that is not going to change. There is a piece of me that will always be hers. Something I wouldn't take back, even if I could, because of what she's meant to me.

There were many things right about our being together and there were also things that weren't. The dynamics of having a hidden relationship are extremely tough. It's something that I would never do again. It served a purpose at the time, but I wouldn't choose that path ever again, knowing what I know now. It's just too tough. There's no way around it.

Sally and I are in communication with each other. We haven't quite worked out what it means to be less than lovers and more than friends -- because it's true, I am way more than a friend. Yet, I am not what I once was for her or she for me. I don't talk about my dating, but she knows at some point she will find out what's going on. And it will bother her. She has told me that the thought of me with another woman drives her insane with jealousy and anger, in spite of the fact that she knows that it's totally irrational. She will try to be the bigger person and not have it be an issue for her. Whether or not she'll be able to, only time will tell. I cannot control that and that's her problem to deal with.

She has made her choices. She has a set picture of how her life will unfold, what it will and won't contain. Who it has in it, why they are there, how things should be. Everything fits into its box. I don't fit into any of those boxes -- I never did. There is no place for me in her life, beyond whatever relationship we develop from here. No matter how much I wanted it, there was no way that it was ever going to work out other than the way it has.

I also know that she truly does love me. She has told me that she loves me more than anyone she's ever known. I know that with all my heart to be true and I trust her. That doesn't change this outcome. It doesn't alter her decision and that saddened me. At some point, she may experience a change of heart and decide that letting me go was the biggest mistake she's ever made. If so, so be it. It wasn't my choice. It wasn't what I wanted. Hell, even if she does, I'll likely never know.

For the record, I am glad that I told her how I really felt about her. I am glad that I told her that I loved her from the moment our eyes first met. I am glad that I asked her to leave her husband for me. I am glad that I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I am glad that she knows that I was never kidding about it. In fact, unlike most affairs, I am the partner who isn't getting their way -- it's usually the woman who is left behind. Not this time.

Yes, there is some loss associated with this anniversary -- but, mostly happiness.
On this anniversary, I will look backward and appreciate what has been.
Then I will turn my gaze forward to anticipate and work towards what will come next.

With this post, I mark a crucial turning point in my life.
The story of the rest of my life has yet to be written.

That writing starts now!