A "Blast From The Past"

I don't know if it's the same for you, but my Google Drive has become a sort of "Digital Dustbin." There are files stored that haven't been relevant for a very, very long time. As I was digging through the directories, I came across a letter that I wrote to Kate after we broke up. What did I write? Well, let's see...

"At this point, I realize that I’m probably the last person you expected to hear from. Actually, I don't expect that you’ll read my letter. I really have no way of knowing with any certainty you’ll actually take the time to read this. I’m willing to accept that it might never be read, because I felt that it was at least worth trying to make an effort to write it.
The fact of the matter is that I do love and care for you.

There’s so much I’d like to say to you and I know that the words I write are going to fall short. Why? Well, because our last telephone call did not go anywhere near the way I would’ve hoped for. I didn’t want you to hang up on me, but I certainly understood why you reacted that way. After (you) having told somebody that you love them, were willing to fight for a relationship, and not getting the response that you’d hoped to get, I can certainly appreciate that.

That may seem surprising to you, given how I answered your question on the telephone, but it’s the truth. What I told you at the time about the level of stress that I had been under was also true. In fact, if anything, things have only gotten worse for me. Nothing substantial has gotten resolved since the last time that we talked. Indeed, things have grown even bleaker for me. I won’t bore you with the circumstances, but everything has gone up at least a notch since then. Yet, I am handling the stress much better than I did a few months ago.

At the time of the conversation, what I needed (and really wanted) was a little understanding from you. Especially given how you and I had been interacting over the course of the previous months. Why? Well, I was still a bit on edge (and confused) about how you’d altered our relationship and ended our almost constant companionship. During that interim period (through the end of 2012), it was more than a bit confusing to me.

One minute we would be together, very satisfied with each other and I’d have the sense that you’d missed me and were glad to be with me. Then, just as quickly, things would change, days could go by without talking, almost as if that previous experience of being together had never occurred. When we’d finally talk, it was as if everything was perfectly fine in your world and I would think to myself “maybe it was just me” – maybe I was just confused or misunderstanding things. Maybe she really didn’t miss me as much as I thought. I just couldn’t reconcile that. It didn’t make any sense to me.

When you finally told me that you love me on the phone, I was both happy and a bit bewildered by it, given the experiences I had just described to you. Yes, I was happy to hear you say that to me. I couldn’t bring myself to share myself and tell you how I felt about you. Right at that moment, after having a very long stretch of working long hours day in and out (I believe it was about 10 days at that point), I felt like I was almost at the breaking point and that “just one more thing” would probably do it.

In retrospect, that was shortsighted on my part. I clearly succumbed to my emotions and wasn’t fully there in the conversation with you. I remember you had asked me if it was a good time to talk and you gave me the opportunity to have the conversation at a future time when it would work.

I really regret not taking the time to step back, collect my thoughts, calm down and have the kind of discussion with you that I think you deserve.

For that, I offer you my most sincere apology. It was a terrible mistake on my part and I regret it. I hope that you will accept the apology in the spirit in which it’s being offered.

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but it clearly was not. It was anything but right. As a result, we ended up parting on a very bad note and I’m not pleased or proud about that. I could and should have done better, for both of our sakes.

For what it’s worth, I have and do miss you very much. I consider this loss part of the price that I have and will continue to pay – and that’s OK with me. I made certain choices here and I’ll be responsible for the consequences that go along with them.

I have no illusions about writing this letter to you means. Hey, if you’ve even gotten to here, I am extremely grateful to you. I don’t feel you owe me anything and I am not asking you for anything. My only hope is that you will accept my apology for my part in not giving our relationship a chance to recover and thrive.

I feel that I owed you something and I hope that I’ve (at least partially) addressed this debt in writing this letter to you.

If you’d like to be in communication with me, I’d welcome the opportunity to hear from you. I may even get the nerve up to attempt to call you, though at this point, I am not sure that’s even a good idea. Writing this letter is likely even well “over the top.”

If not, I’ll be satisfied with wishing you all the best as you move forward in your life. I’m confident that you’ll find a partner that you will be both happy and satisfied with. I will always treasure the time that we spent together and think of you with much love and warmth."

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Now, just in case you're wondering:

1. No, I never sent the letter to her
2. Yes, I do regret not sending it

I can say honestly that I miss her and think of her often.

I'm at a point in my life where I am more reflective and (likely) more self-aware than I have ever been. I have thoughts and feelings around all of this. Lots of sadness and lots of regret. Lots of wondering what might have been.

I know that it's useless, but I am also a bit pissed at myself for not learning my lesson the first time with "Sandy the Sea Hag." My choices led me to do it again with Sally.