The past months have been both wonderful and stressful. Care to have a look at the quick updates?! Of course you do, so let's see...
The Updates
Health
- This is like fucking 2009 all over again. I am in worse shape than ever. I've gained back practically all of the 80+ pounds that I'd lost. I've been sick on and off for the past few months.
- Stress, shit diet, lack of money to eat well, coffee and no exercise (except occasional fucking) are a bad combination
- Oh, and I am (and have been) more than a bit depressed. It's actually the first time that I've admitted that...
- Work finally imploded. Now totally screwed financially. Looking for a parachute to grab and exit the burning aircraft which is about to explode any minute now.
- My debt is spiraling out of control and if I don't take some proactive measures to impact it, it'll literally take me out totally. So, yes, I am acting, but nothing is certain.
- Not out of the woods, but I am acting and hope I make it out alive.
Sandy
- Our "relationship" has more of a "what have you done for me lately?" kind of character to it, especially when it came to discussing changes to the payment of spousal support. Yeah, not fucking fun at all.
Kate
- After I came to realize (or was informed) that she and I were done, well, we weren't
- We saw each other for a bit, had sex occasionally, but it was awkward
- Not too long ago, she sent me a mail as a last ditch effort to try and patch things up. I responded to that and she finally got enough courage to say "I love you" and wanted to try to fix things up. I responded that it was too little and too late... and it truly was.
- In all honesty, I've questioned my judgment on that a number of times since. Kate wasn't perfect, but neither am I. Additionally, she's got a lot less baggage than Sally. I can't help thinking that I may have made a mistake by cutting it off with her prematurely. I guess that I'll never know.
- Still, when push came to shove, she was really kinda selfish about the whole thing and not very supportive of me, which I found shocking and bothersome.
Rick
- Rick's departure from the household was unceremonious. Frankly, the fucker just bolted! Left all of his possessions behind and a huge mess for Sally to clean up.
- He's totally moved on and is operating over the top of that
- He and Sally have had some exchanges which really fucked with her head. I don't think that is going to go away any time soon.
Sally
- It's been a pretty amazing few months for us. Went from being totally in the background to public, front stage in a matter of days. It was both satisfying and stressful.
- We've spent a lot of time together and I've enjoyed 95% of it.
- She's had some high highs and some low lows! And when she hits her lows, fuck me to tears -- they affect everyone around her, especially me!
- There are times when I am clear that we love each other beyond anything I've ever known or could hope for and then (times like this) when I wonder "what the fuck are you doing?!?!"
- She's still seeing a shrink and probably will be for a long time. We'll see.
Moving Forward
- I'm happy with her and optimistic, but it's seriously fucking trying for me. Her waffling back and forth between her pain and happiness really blows. I try to give her room to go through what she needs to go through, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for me either.
- I'm more fucking stressed than ever, but I don't have a lot of room to ask for what I need from anyone in my life, especially Sally. Where I end up and who I end up with is an open question
- Sally and I are planning on having me move into her house. We'll see if//when that happens. Either way, I am getting rid of my house. I cannot afford to keep it. This will happen very soon. Where I go from there is anyone's guess. There's always a few freeway overpasses near where I live... it's good I like the outdoors :-(
- I am making positive changes about my health, but I have a long way to go before I can celebrate. We'll see if my health lasts long enough to get me restarted on a good eating and fitness regime. Fingers crossed.
- With any luck, I'll have a decent paying job in the next month. That'll get me back on the right track, but it's not enough. I now have to consider my retirement -- or really, a lack of retirement plan. I don't know what the fuck to do about that, except start to regroup and see where it takes me.
Overall, this isn't the brightest or most optimistic update I've ever written, but this one need to be done. I needed to get it off my chest and out of my head. I needed to say it.
I'm glad I still have this blog here to write, when I really need it. Whether anyone reads it or not is irrelevant. At least, I have one place where I can go to get things off my chest.
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