Things Are Quiet

Well, for the first time in a long time, things are quiet. It seems as though all of the elements in my life are finally coming together. At least, that's my sense of things right at the moment.

We will see how long this actually lasts! LOL

The only thing that really doesn't seem to be going very well right now is my work. Although even that seems as though there are some bright spots. To say that I am encouraged would be a significant understatement.

The time that I'm spending with Kate is really great. When we are off of work or have other free time, we are almost constantly in each other's company. I am either at her house or she isn't mine. I can't even begin to describe how satisfying my relationship with her is.

There's a certain part of it where I think that she is holding back. We say a lot of things to each other about how much we enjoy being with each other physically, how much we enjoy spending time with each other, being with each other in bed or something as simple as laughing and talking together. One of the things that she had said a little while ago was that "I think I am starting to fall in love with you" or the rough equivalent of this. Frankly I don't really remember the exact wording, but I do know that that was the intent.

On several occasions recently, including her birthday, I was very tempted to tell her "I love you". I debated about it and so far have not done so. There's a certain part of me that is reticent to do so, because I'm not sure how she will respond to that kind of statement. There's another part that thinks it's premature and not really something that "needs" to get talked about yet.

From what I can tell, this smells like garden-variety fear to me. It all seems quite unreasonable, actually. I don't have any issues with being able to tell her that I love her. For me, it's not just a physiological response. Yes, there is an element of our being together which is attraction and physical. But the way that I feel about her is more than that -- a lot more than that.

This doesn't mean that as soon as my divorce is final that I intend to ask her to marry me or anything like that. That would really be a significant error on my part. As I've mentioned here before, I have a lot more work to do on my own before I would ever consider taking that action. Now is definitely not the time to do that.

At the same time, that doesn't mean that I need to avoid addressing how I feel about her. Given my excess caution at the start of our relationship, it just might be that my taking the opportunity to say I love you could very well be the action that breaks open and takes things to the next level. Of course, I have no idea what a next level looks like, but all I know is that Kate means a great deal to me and I really want her to know that.

Things with Sandy are not good. She moved to a new state to be closer to her friends and to her workplace. Well, I found out recently that Sandy was let go from her job for cause. Not too long after her relocation was complete, her performance began to suffer and finally reached the point where she could no longer effectively function at her job.

I've tried to be in communication with her and help her move to a place where she could be complete about the divorce and whatever relationship we might be able to create together that doesn't include being husband and wife. It's not as though I don't care for her or that I want to see her suffer. Quite to the contrary. I want to see her be successful in all areas of her life. Unfortunately, there's only so much that I can do to help her during these times.

About the best thing I can do is move forward the divorce paperwork in a timely manner so that she really is clear that there is a break and how we have been related and that there is no possibility of a reconciliation. Because, really, that is the truth about. There is absolutely no scenario in which I find the possibility of reconciling to be anything close to something I would want to do.

Financially I am going to be paying for this for a long time. I'm just glad that it's limited to financial payment and not paying with my fulfillment or satisfaction in living life. The price there is just too steep.

I haven't had a lot to say lately, but maybe it's just because I have been too busy and really haven't had an opportunity to sit down and just start writing. It's funny that when I started writing today, I was afraid I wouldn't have anything to say. Obviously, I was wrong.

I'll try to see that I don't wait as long to write my next post, because I can tell that there's a lot more that needs to be written. I may not know exactly what it is, but I do have the sense that there are things there to say.