Memories

I don't know if you noticed this, but I can be pretty hard on myself. Yes, it's true. I recognize this for what it is. The truth is that I often don't appreciate how far I've come in such a short period of time.

Why am I making this observation? Let me explain...

As I sat down at my computer tonight, I was thinking about how long it'd been since I last blogged. There was a period of time when I was blogging at least once a day, if not twice a day. There was a lot to say, there were a lot of things rolling around inside of my head that needed to get out. Lately, it hasn't been like that. In fact, I can take solace in knowing that it's been exactly the opposite. Yes, there have been things going on that I have needed to deal with, but I have been dealing with them.

Today, from my perspective, there's much less activity inside of my head. I will be the first to admit that Sometimes I don't really appreciate how far I've come in such a short period of time. As I started considering what I'd be writing about, I started thinking about how I got here. And that had me think about the previous blog that I had. So I decided that I would go back and look at a few of the things I wrote. I pulled up some of the pages, look at the dates and read them with great interest, as if I had never seen them before.

It was an interesting experiment, because while I recognize the words, I don't necessarily recognize myself in the writings. It's a bit of a surreal experience to look back on what you've written like that. The only thing I can attribute it to is the fact that the previous year (2010) was so full of emotion and turmoil. One could make the case that it was just a function of having Sally in my life, but I know it was more than that. In fact, it was a lot more than that.

Some of the things that I wrote were entertaining, some were disturbing and some were markers of things that would come to pass. I had hoped that the blogging exercise, when I first started it, was going to help me find some peace of mind and maybe even a little clarity in the process. I think for the most part it worked. It wasn't perfect, but that was not what I was going for. At the time when I wrote these things, just getting it out in the light of day was enough. Mission accomplished.

As I sit here tonight, I am wondering about the fit of blogging with my life moving forward. I don't think I have less to say, but I have lessened the need to actually keep it off to the side. I am in a better position today do have a public conversation about the things are happening in my life than I ever was. I don't have the need for secrecy, nor do I have the desire to have the secret.

At the same time, I realize that there is some value in being able to have a place to come and work through thoughts, consider questions or just yell into the wind. It's not as though I'm going to stop blogging, because I know that I am not. I am going to continue. Exactly how and what I will write about, well, that's anyone's guess.

I'm very glad for having had the opportunity to capture and express my thoughts, as well as the opportunity to have you provide me with your thoughts and comments. It may be that no one will ever read the words I've written beyond the small handful of people that make their way here, but that wasn't what this was all about in the first place.

This was always about being able to give voice to those things that I did not know how to talk about. It still is serving that purpose for me, although in a bit of a different way. Just as I am changing over time, my approach to blogging will change over time. And there will likely come a point where it will be time to retire this blog. Why?

As I said in the title of the blog, this blog is about "minding the gap that exists when standing in the void between two worlds -- one that isn't gone and another that hasn't yet arrived."

While the new world is not here yet, it is now closer than it's ever been. Once I am standing in the new, then I will likely turn my attention away from this blog and start another one where I can be fully public about who I am and what I'm doing. Unlike my last attempt, I don't anticipate that I will pull these pages down. I will let them sit here in perpetuity and whoever runs across them will run across them.

This will serve as a point in time snapshot of the context and content of my life. While it may not have been pleasant, it will certainly have been real.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming... :-)